Liberated from my funk via acceptance of my shit

I didn’t feel like getting out of bed this morning, not even to eat. No TV or radio. Kids off to school and husband off to work. Just me and the sound of the A/C blowing and the occasional ruffling of the covers. When feeling this way, my only desire is to read and to write–if that. I finished a book, journaled and then my phone buzzed with an e-mail.

It was a blog post from one of my favorite authors. I read it and instantly connected. In it, she shares her moment of weakness and brokenness. Though it’s not told specifically what’s going on with her, I can totally relate. I feel those feelings with her. There are women are who also feelings these feelings with me. I know because I’m reading their Facebook and Instagram posts, the blogs, the videos, e-mails, and texts.

Much like the way that menstrual synchrony works, the same goes for our emotional status within the women of our tribes. We don’t have to be close in distance, but our spirits are connected. What I’m feeling is being felt by at least seven other women within my circle. That’s no reason to be fearful or alert the spiritual authorities, but actually the opposite…

There a few specific instances that I recall in my life having felt this way. The first one was at 19 years old. As I shared in a FB post a few weeks ago, I was a dead broke single mother. I was fired, arrested and evicted within a three-month span. I was fucked up in every way that you imagine–mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, financially, etc. The second time was about three years ago. I felt, in many ways, like a slave. I realized that I was dwelling in a self-made prison and I wanted out! Prior to being liberated, I felt like…this.

That’s why I can be weak but no defeated. I know that this is not the end of the story. It’s the end of the chapter. The beginning of a new is right around the corner and as history so awesomely demonstrates, it’s going to be amazing. But I didn’t always know this. I didn’t always own this optimism in spite of what’s going on around me. I didn’t always know that it’s okay to honor the fact that I don’t feel like doing shit today. I wasn’t always brave enough to tell my man that I feel like shit and am in need of words of encouragement. Wasn’t always confident enough to tell my friends that I’m not up for any conversations or explanations.

Writing that just now felt damn good. It was another reminder of why I write. I was reminded of why I give in the e-mail this morning. In it, she stated:

“We must make an effort to tell our stories, especially the ones about failure and brokenness, because in doing so, we show others that there are some of us that survive, and some who thrive. We show others, and ourselves, evidence of the other side of pain.”

THAT is the purpose of transparency–so that you can see that this is what works for me and this is what doesn’t. This is how I was freed (or liberated) and this is what kept me enslaved. I’m not lucky or blessed in a way that you are not. I share the downs as well as the ups because it’s important for you to see that they are inevitable and that it’s our reaction to them that matters most. I want you to see that you always have a choice. That it really is about you. And that by choosing to take full responsibility, then you set yourself up as a lighthouse for other women.

I am liberated from my funk by accepting all of my shit.

Radical Self-Acceptance is my mantra today. I accept that I am both strong and weak. Empty and full. Sure and unsure. Perfect and flawed. I am my own worst enemy and my biggest fan. I’m owning all of it, and in doing so, I’m setting myself free.