My prayer this morning

Dear God,

I feel like I asked for this, so I shouldn’t complain. I remember feeling unsatisfied and underutilized. It was driving my crazy. I prayed, damn near cried, to be paid a lot to do work that aligned with who I am and what I want at this stage in my life. Not work that used to excite me or work that I was just good at doing. And… I got that. So thank you. I also remember going for walks and telling myself that I’d better take advantage of the downtime, because I could feel that an outpour was on its way. I couldn’t see it, but I could definitely feel it. And it’s here. Emails and calls are steady coming in, and it’s pretty much all good news. But I’m tired. I feel behind as hell and as though I’m slacking as a mother and a friend and a daughter. They need me. I need me, too.

Even my self-care has become convenient rather than intuitive. I used to sit in front of the mirror, just breathing, until I felt what I needed to do in the moment. Sometimes it was driving to the beach or chilling with the dog in the backyard, taking a walk, stretching my limbs in my favorite yoga positions, asking my babies what they felt like doing, or taking a damn nap. What’s a nap these days? Nonexistent. It’s replaced with…people. Everywhere. All the time. Lol. I’m only venting. Getting it off my chest.

I’m still clothed in my right mind, knowing full well of my many options. Self-responsibility, right? I haven’t been writing my to-do lists. I know better. I haven’t been journaling, writing for me. I know better. I haven’t been speaking up about what I need from my partner to my partner. Again, I know better. I eat more of what my body craves, less of what it needs. I know. And I’ll do better. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know I’m blessed. And I know that all is well and will be well.

Amen, ashe, and namaste.

Initially, I was caught up in the fact that I was complaining rather than being grateful. I should be happy about all of this goodness, not feeling overwhelmed. Gratitude, eventually, began feeling like a burden. I allowed it mute me ’til I realized what was happening. This prayer was everything I needed in that moment, and I’m so glad that I surrendered to it. Hopefully it gave you something too. Not to sound didactic, but I wanna share some reminders that my prayer, my truth, highlighted for me:

1. Whenever you feel like you should or shouldn’t be doing something, check yourself. I was so concerned with feeling like I shouldn’t be complaining that I didn’t even realize that I was stifling myself.

2. Acknowledge what you’ve manifested, and if you can’t think of any, that’s all the more reason to give it some thought. I wanted to workshop with uncensored teenagers. I do. I wanted to do something for the elders. I didn’t know what, just something meaningful. I do. I wanted to be able to pay my bills on time every month. I do. What have you manifested recently? 

3. If you’re doing the best you can, give yourself a break. I’m walking around feeling like an inattentive mama for why? Yes, for why? I realistically checked myself (Trelani, if you planned to do better next week, what would doing better look like? Shrugs.) I asked them and they’re cool. It’s just me. 

4. Self-responsibility. Self-responsibility. Self-responsibility. Whenever I’m in the space of blaming and complaining, I know I need to check in with me. What can I do differently to feel better about this situation? I make room to hear that response and I mind the hell out of it. 

5. Bonus one: Manage your big visions and desires lest they turn into pressure and insecurities. My girlfriend asked me today if I ever pause during any of my projects and consider my goals for it, its potential impact. Such a coincidence. With last night’s new moon, a few of my friends shared their intentions as if they had already manifested online. I thought it was a cool idea, powerful even. Tried it and liked it, but I returned to my work feeling like I had to get it perfect. After all, it’s going to land in Oprah’s lap one day. Sometimes visions can be motivating. Sometimes the opposite. Just be conscious of it is my advice.