How to de-vilify your flaws and weaknesses

This past Saturday I facilitated a writing workshop with a group of businesswomen. It was an awesome event from beginning to end, but there were two instances that stuck out in my mind and have since come up again. I took that to mean that I gotta talk about it.

One of the women at the workshop told me she wanted to write a story, had a few inside of her, but was a terrible writer. I asked some questions and learned that she was great at writing on the job, but felt like she sounded boring and wrote too short when it came to creative writing.

Before deciding to go the unschooling route and tossing the curriculum, me and my son would start our days with writing prompts. An hour would go by and nothing would be on his paper. School taught him that writing wasn’t his strength, that he was better at math and drawing. I didn’t have the opportunity to ask, but I wondered how school might’ve played a role in her writing weakness.

That’s not to vilify school, but just stating a reality. I made straight A’s in English, but that’s not because I was necessarily a better writer than those who didn’t. I was just really good at structuring my sentences and paragraphs to the liking of the angel of the house (my teachers, state standards, etc). That affected my creative writing too because I could get words on paper, but they didn’t sound like me.

What’s your language like when it comes to something you’d like to do well but don’t feel like you do? 

Do you think you suck at it, that you’re horrible at it, or something like that? What if, instead of saying she was terrible at writing, she said something like, “My writing is like a collage. I jump from subject to subject without notice” or “I’m good at getting my point across, but struggle with expounding on it without sounding repetitive and making my words pop.” Now remix your language the way. Because you don’t suck. That’s the story you tell yourself in hopes of being understood instead of critiqued. The truth is that you ________ when you’d like to ________.

Here’s something else to explore:

We were all chatting at the end and the founder of the organization joked about my poor grammar. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I think I used “got” in place of “have.” I said it loud and proud too, and she mocked it just as loud. Back in the day, I would’ve been embarrassed. I would’ve made all kinds of mental notes to re-consider my words before speaking next time. To put that side of Trelani back in the box when around this kinda crowd. Or maybe even to shut up when it wasn’t necessary to speak to avoid that in the future.

Ever experienced something like that? 

I wasn’t ashamed though. I repeated what I’d said just in case someone hadn’t heard it the first two times (lol). No conflict, of course. I just felt like I was taking up for someone in the room who was laughing but may have internally responded the way I would’ve back in the day had it happened to them.

If that has happened to you and you remember what you said that was mocked, say it again. Yeah, right now. If you don’t remember what was said, but recall that maybe it was in your native tongue or was “poor grammar,” then repeat something like it. I remember when New Orleans accents were teased; now people love ’em.

Regarding what happened which confirmed that I had to write this post, I was talking to a friend who divided her personality into two groups. She said, “I gotta good side and a not so good side.” The not-so-good side included cussing, drinking occasionally, and listening to trap music (just Google it if you’re clueless lol).

“Girl, those ain’t flaws!” I said. “That’s just you!”

But society has turned those behaviors into villains. Some groups are progressive than others, of course, but if asked to describe a good girl or a role model to young girls, most of us wouldn’t include cussing, drinking, and twerking on that list. Why is that?

Which of your behaviors do you consider flaws or would feel shame if a certain group of people knew about it?

My grandma used to say, “If you ashamed of doing it, don’t do it.” So much truth in that statement, but so much difficulty too. It’s not always easy de-vilifying what others consider flaws and weaknesses. But here’s an interesting way of looking it. Writing was the greatest tools in helping me embrace myself as is. More specifically, it was noveling. Because if you want to create characters who readers will love, then you gotta make them interesting; you gotta make ’em complex by giving them layers. Even the villain has a heart.

Profile yourself:

A character profile sheet is really helpful when writing fiction. I’m currently writing the sequel to Getting Across, and I’m telling the story of five sisters. Two of them, in particular, are very alike. I used a profile sheet to distinguish between the two and to get to know them better. Characterize yourself. Nothing fancy. Just write your name at the top of the page and start a list describing what makes you interesting to read about.